Boundaries

BOOK REVIEW
Book title: Boundaries, where you end and I begin
Author: Anne Katherine

About the author

Anne Katherine M.A. is a certified mental health counsellor, speaker and author of Where to Draw the Line: How to Set Healthy Boundaries Every day and Anatomy of a Food Addiction. She is based on the USA and leads programs for recovery and healing.

About the book

Boundaries are important in all relationships; the coaching relationship, organisational, intimate and family relationships. In my coaching I see many of my clients have weak boundaries and this has been an area on which I have worked with them in particular with regards to work and learning to push back as and when appropriate.

In her book Katherine demonstrates how boundaries protect our well-being and define us as unique and individual. She says boundaries are essential to healthy relationships. Every day people’s boundaries are violated by friends, family members or colleagues. Many people are unaware of how or when these important lines are crossed.

Much of the book comprises case studies or stories which illustrate to the reader how to identify the crossing of a boundary. Katherine not only explains what healthy boundaries are; she also informs the reader how to recognise if one’s personal boundaries are being violated and what one can do to protect oneself. Each chapter ends with a relevant exercise for the reader to complete.

There are two main types of boundaries: physical and emotional. Physical boundaries are marked by our skin. Emotional boundaries are determined by age, roles and relationships with others, need for safety and the choices about how we want to be treated.

A physical boundary is set by choosing who can touch and how and where it is acceptable to be touched – deciding how close to allow people to come into the personal zone – having a reverse gear allows one to back away from an violation of the personal zone or personal space.

Emotional boundaries are set by choosing how to allow others to treat one. According to Katherine this could include setting limits with regards to what people can say. She illustrates the context of an acceptable vs. unacceptable emotional boundary: healthy, safe expression of anger by loved ones is acceptable; inappropriate expression of anger from a stranger venting on the bus is not acceptable.

Violations come in two main varieties. Intrusion violations occur when a physical or emotional boundary is crossed. Examples include incest, inappropriate personal questions, inappropriate touching and the attempt to control how another thinks, believes or feels. Distance violations occur when intimacy is less than what is appropriate to the relationship; for example when someone from whom one has a right to expect closeness is excessively removed or cut off. Katherine emphasises that the context is the key that defines the violation.

One’s ability to protect oneself is related to the strength of one’s boundaries. According to Katherine If clear emotional boundaries have not been developed, one is vulnerable to physical violation. When one has good emotional boundaries one can better protect one’s physical boundaries.

Context is everything. Context and the type of relationship define appropriate closeness and boundaries in a relationship. In a marriage for example, there is potential for great physical and emotional intimacy. That said the acceptable degree of intimacy and distance can vary in different marriages and within the same marriage from day to day.

Katherine speaks about enmeshment; in a relationship one partner tries to influence the thinking of the other or wants the other to have exactly the same feelings. When a couple becomes enmeshed; the individualities of each partner are sacrificed for the relationship resulting in both the individuals and the relationship suffering. We also see enmeshment happening in the context of a parent-child relationship. Katherine points out that enmeshment may feel close, but it is not.

According to Katherine it is never too late to build boundaries. No matter the state of one’s life boundaries will improve it. Katherine suggests that in doing just three things one’s boundaries can’t help but improve, 1) Increase self-awareness 2) Identify childhood violations and offenders; seek care for that damage 3) Examine the state of current boundaries and clean them up. In her book Katherine provides simple exercises to help the reader with the above. Once healthy boundaries are in place; these boundaries require maintenance.

Lastly boundaries come in several varieties; they can be rigid, flexible, permeable or impermeable. They can be set at a great distance or be very close. Dogs and cats illustrate this difference well “Dogs come when they are called; cats take a message and get back to you.” (Mary Bly).

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