I was confronted with an important question from a friend this week.  She asked, “What word describes your year?”.  I responded quickly with, “Divisive”.  Not that I felt prepared for the question nor took too much time to think about it in the moment; it felt like the right answer.  This year has been divisive on many levels.  Here are some of my personal experiences and observations:

First half vs. second half

The first six months felt very different to the last six months.  Themes were isolation, being forgotten, deep loneliness, some hopelessness and many dark days.  It brought up many difficult emotions such as sadness, hurt, disappointment and anger.  As I noticed myself moving through the change curve; I recall feeling triumphant when I finally reached Acceptance.

What stands out for me during the early days of lockdown was how, when and with who I connected.  The coaching community was phenomenal.  I connected with coaches from all over the world and together we had a safe space to be seen and heard.  We shared how we felt about being in a “helping profession”.  Some days I had to dig deep to show up for my clients.  It was tough.  I did it.  I am proud of myself.

As the days became longer and the weather warmer I noticed a new hopefulness and resourcefulness, something verging on optimism in myself and others.  Peoples’ spirits lifted as we moved through the lockdown levels.  Conversations changed.  They became less one dimensional.  People actually began to have news – something different to talk about.  Anger and frustration also seemed to collectively subside.

You do you and I’ll do me

I witnessed some people flouting lockdown regulations putting themselves and their families at risk.  Infuriation directed at our government.  Disdain with the rules.  I noticed myself triggered by the arrogance of some people to brag about their activities and choices on social media.  I thought it pathetic and risky.  I checked myself.  And arrived at, “You do you and I will do me.”  We all have different risk profiles.  I knew what I wanted for myself and chose to distance myself from people who did not feel the same or were not equipped to understand my choices.

Friendship

I recall in March articulating my belief that relationships would fundamentally change this year and they have.  2020 has presented a real opportunity to clear out the dead wood in social circles.  I also embraced the opportunity to deepen connections.  I noticed my authenticity coming even more to the fore and sought it out in others.  I became selective of who I surrounded myself with virtually as well as physically.

I wanted to ensure I allowed myself to be around people who allowed me to feel good.  I may have fewer more quality connections now and I am okay with that.  In fact I like it.  I no longer want superficial conversation.  I want to be able to talk about the awkward stuff too.  I want to know, “How are you today?” and I invite an honest answer.

This year has changed many people in many ways.  Some positive and some indifferent.  Some appear oblivious to the change; I want to say they are not my people.  That said; letting go is not always easy.  I know I have struggled with this historically and this year.  I often felt that my kindness and consideration was taken advantage of.  I learned a lot about how we all “friend” this year.

Gratitude

My year did not go as I had planned.  However, when I reflect on my words for 2020 I realise they do have reference and meaning; just not in the way I initially thought they would.  2020 has forced me to be present; moment to moment to become even more aware of what is happening inside and outside of me.  And I am beginning to love myself fiercely.  I have never spent so much time alone as I have this year.  And that is a gift.  Five weeks of solo lockdown is one of the most difficult things I have ever had to do.